Let Me At Your Hairs.

Mondo's Back!

2009-02-18T18:32:00.003-05:00

And, as always, it's because of my good friend Adam's birthday. If I don't go to Mondo all year, I know that I will on that one special day. This Friday it's happening: mondo-nyc.com

Our conversation today:
me: just wrangled two more fun-timers for friday night

Adam: a yes yes yall, a yes yes yall

me: i'm workin real hard to make your birthday the largest

not necessarily the most fun, just as large as possible

Adam: hahaha

Adam: you're bringing several homeless people

me: literally dozens

Adam: "come on, I know somewhere where there's food and a warm bed!"

next thing they know, they are at mondo

having the time of their life

and no one knows they're homeless because they're technically dressed like they're from greenpoint

Toofless

2009-02-11T14:56:00.004-05:00

Just got my wisdom teeth out! All four of those suckers! I've never been under general anesthetic before so I was almost more freaked about that than the yanking of the teeth themselves. Went into the office, the surgeon said hello and started asking me about what I did and all, I told him a little about having just finished school and starting a new job in a couple weeks, and he took my arm while I was talking and just got the needle in there when I was hardly paying attention and then next thing I knew I was being woken up and stumbling drunkenly into the recovery room! My mom said she'd barely opened up a magazine to read in the waiting room when they said I was done, something like 20 mins. Awesome. So now I'm at my parents' place in Jersey taking it easy, head wrapped in a cold pack to hopefully avoid looking like a chipmunk tomorrow.

Ice paaaaaaack.

I never would have thought to ask for the teeth. When Mom came to me in the recovery room the first thing she asked the nurse was if they saved my dang teeth. I thought she was a weirdo, but then just now my aunt - who is my dental hygienist, with my uncle as my dentist - called and said it was great to have those teeth because they have stem cells in them and you never know if later on some health issue could arise that would be aided by having those stem cells available. Who the hell knew! Also, Jeebus Christmas, can you tell how enormous those teeth are?

Circumstance, sans pomp.

2009-02-09T14:23:00.004-05:00

I can't for the life of me find my camera battery charger. So I've been taking pictures with my phone and they're shitty and blurry, but here they are! Woo!

Winter in the city. Walking from the subway in Brooklyn was positively picturesque. So I took a picture.

And then I graduated from beauty school! It's blurry, cause we were drunk-ish and I was excited, but if you blow up the picture and look real close you'll see that my "diploma" says BEST GPA.

This plastic wine glass is the reason I couldn't hold still. We had ourselves a grand old time waiting for our names to be called. When mine finally was, it was prefaced with, "My favorite student with the lisp, Caroline!" And I cracked up. Because earlier that day I'd been forced to give a 16-year-old a blowout since a whole school group came to visit, and while I was working the girl's little friends walked over and out of nowhere say, "You know you got a lisp?" What the eff do I say to that! "Uhhh, alright sure, you think so?" "Yeah, you talk with your tongue." "Ummmmm ok cool." And all the teachers overheard these little twerps jabbing me and were laughing from a distance. Thanks teachers.

Yesterday one of Wendy's friends celebrated her birthday by going to a place on Smith St. in Brooklyn called The Painted Pot which is one of those places where you can glaze a piece of pottery and then they fire it for you. Pretty damn fun. I made this mug, which kinda looks like I dipped it in chocolate. Delicious. Looks nothing like the colors I chose cause it hasn't been fired yet, but when I pick it up next weekend I'm pretty sure it will be a work of fine art.

I finished too quickly and everybody else was still painting so I grabbed the cheapest piece I could find and made it for Wendy.

In two days I will have my wisdom teeth removed. Please regale me with stories of your own experiences! Nothing I love more these days than hearing about how someone's face almost fell off after getting wisdom teeth out.

THIS IS HUGE OH MAN I'M SO EXCITED

2009-01-28T17:24:00.001-05:00

Kumail was on The Colbert Report last night and the night before. Watch them. Holy nuts.

Monday:

The Colbert ReportMon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

Stephen's Secret Prison

Colbert Report Full Episodes
Colbert Report Tickets

Paul McCartney Appearance
More Funny Videos

Tuesday:

The Colbert ReportMon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

Omar Returns

Colbert Report Full Episodes
Colbert Report Tickets

Paul McCartney Appearance
More Funny Videos

Congrats Kumail!!

National Blog For Choice Day

2009-01-22T17:11:00.003-05:00

Naral Pro-Choice America has declared it, so I'm doing it, because it's important to me as a woman and it should be important to you as an anything. I haven't had any abortions, so I don't have any dramatic or heartfelt stories to blog in light of the day, I'm just popping by to remind you that reproductive choice is tops! Obama agrees - the proof is in the super exciting new White House website where you can view his entire agenda, organized by issue! You know what else Obama likes? Fisting.

Hahaha! Idiot.

BACK TO HAIR.
A few more shots from yesterday's 40s hairstyle competition.

We all had to line up with numbers and everything - I mugged for Kelsey, my stylist, while waiting to walk the runway.

She kept trying to get shots and I kept laughing and flubbing them, as per usual.

I'm next! Looking awkward.

With another classmate, C. We didn't win. But we should have! We each looked like we walked right out of West Side Story. I could easily be singing, "Boy, boy, crazy boy, get cool, boy! Got a rocket in your pocket, keep coolly cool, boy!" And C's ready to break out into, "I like the island Manhattan. Smoke on your pipe, and put that in!" Ha. C's Columbian, but whatever. In the movie it's not like they got real Puerto Ricans to play the Sharks either, so I'm not being racist. The point is, we looked good.

Beauty School

2009-01-21T18:43:00.005-05:00

Last sesh my class studied business and we had to present a giant convoluted project that was essentially a business proposal for a hypothetical salon. It kinda sucked to do it, cause it involved a great deal of math, figuring out how much I'd have to pay in taxes, salary, insurance, yadda yadda, but the point is when my classmate Kelsey presented hers she introduced it as the "Pretty Time!" salon. Pretty Time! Ha, I loved it. Today at beauty school was Pretty Time - we had a 1940s hair styling competition and I offered to be Kelsey's model, so I brought in a 40s outfit and jewelry and makeup and she prettied up my hair. I'll upload the pics from my cammy cam tomorrow but in the meantime here are two little guys I snapped on my phone:

It's a little hard to tell in a teeny camera phone shot, but Kelsey did a great job.

And after she was all done I applied the requisite red lipstick and drew on a mole. When you see the whole look in the photos tomorrow you'll agree that we should have won, we were totally robbed. Except at the end we were told that there weren't any prizes, so who cares. God knows that we were the best, so that's what matters.

Also I had work after school today, so I am now there and my hair and makeup still look like that. I wiped off the mole, but otherwise I am sitting at a desk looking like Alice Kramden.

Horses, Hair, and Licking Bronze Dogs

2009-01-15T18:59:00.008-05:00

Wendy came with me to the Jerz to meet Lee and Gina. We were cooked a meal of chicken, and chicken, (that's no typo - my dad made a chicken dish and then my mom requested that he make another chicken dish that she'd wanted to try, so we had chicken and chicken) and then Wendy and my dad played through his giant record collection that's chock full of classic rock gems. I knew that'd do the trick. Next day the plan was to meet Michelle for a horseback riding lesson at her barn, but first Wendy and I went to brunch.

She asked me to mix her coffee for her and snapped me pensively testing it out.

On our walk through town back to the car, we passed the little square that was covered in snow and looked serene and gorgeous, and sitting on the outskirts of it is this bizarre little bronze statue of a boy with an ice cream cone and a dog. Wendy thought it was hilarious.

Wendy licked the boy, the ice cream cone, and then cooed at the dog. And then almost busted her ass on the ice. That was my favorite part. Oh! Wait, no, my favorite part was at brunch when the waiter brought little spheres of butter the size of melon balls in a bowl and they looked so funny I dared Wendy to eat one (ok fine she said "Dare me to eat one?" and I said yes definitely, so she dared herself, is what I'm saying). I whipped out my camera and Wendy picked up one melty butter ball between her thumb and forefinger and was poised with it in front of her mouth as I framed the shot, just as the waitress brought our food. I put down my camera and cracked up, while Wendy continued to hold the butter and look sheepish and the waitress put her food down.

Dressed in her pea coat and Michelle's riding helmet, Wendy looks like she was born into the Hilton family. And that there is Michelle's pony.

And she's on!

Michelle gave a nice little lesson to Wendy, who'd never ridden a horse before at all.

I love this picture. It looks as though she was riding like the wind! I had my flash off so the pony's legs are just blurry. They were walking. No but seriously she did a really good job, considering at one point the pony got a little saucy and reared up for a second! Only a couple inches off the ground, but when you're up there it can be scary cause I mean come on, it's a large animal with a mind of its own. My mom always said that even when I was a little kid taking riding lessons for a couple years, and it never did much for my confidence, as you might imagine.

This is Michelle, who really does ride like the wind. It was sort of terrifying being so close to her while she rode a giant horse over 3 jumps in a row. Pretty impressive y'all.

Wendy has the shots of me on the horse on her camera so I'll throw em up here later.

Now a quickie hair update. My friend Noel from good old Trader Joe's came to school for a cut. I cut her hair months ago and she hadn't had it done since, so I was flattered that she waited for me. Here it is before:

And after:

The end.

2009 is happening.

2009-01-05T20:58:00.004-05:00

First, one more outtake from the Christmas montage.

Sunday was my Uncle Dan's birthday - he and my Aunt Lori, cousin Matt and my folks came to my neighborhood to hit my favorite brunch place and then take a long walk around downtown. My aunt snapped me running across the street to meet them.

She also loved all the painted buildings and snapped away on our way to brunch, so I humored her and hammed a little.

Mom and me about to chow down.

Brunch was a delight as always and one of the owners, true to form, hooked us up with a complimentary birthday mimosa pitcher. Afterward, we stopped by my place real quick so they could all see it and I just had to play a song or two with my mom on Rock Band. I had to. Matt and I set up.

Mom chose "Should I Stay or Should I Go?" and after a rocky start she got the hang of it pretty quickly! Go Gina. Matt was a dear and took a little video of me trying to help Mom start:

Rock Band Gina

Mom was overwhelmed and surrendered the guitar to Matt.

And off we all went downtown, walking through the Lower East Side and Chinatown to Little Italy where my mom wanted to see a store that was known for its special olive oils, but it was too crowded so we only stayed for a minute, looked at all the hanging dried meats, took a picture and left.

The main event was Ferrara's for pastries and espresso. It was a really fun day, got my mom to buy me a thermos and soap from a new sustainable store in my 'hood, and my dad to get me a couple cannolis. And played Rock Band. And had a drunky brunch. A Sunday well done!

Everybody I know rocking out.

2008-12-29T15:25:00.004-05:00

I'm at work for hours longer than usual today and I've run out of internet to dick around on, so I'm spending my time uploading videos that have been living on my camera for months.

Zach on Rock Band drums.

Wendy on Rock Band drums. She really wails on those suckers, it's pretty funny, in fact last week we were playing the game and got a frantic knock on the door by my downstairs neighbor saying she heard deafeningly loud banging on her ceiling, like a jackhammer. And Wendy and I looked sheepishly at the TV and said, "It's Rock Band." The girl kinda didn't seem to get it and said, "No seriously it sounds like you're dropping anvils or something," so Wendy gave up her post on drums and let me take over while she played the guitar, cause I'm a little calmer about it. Ha. it wasn't even late at night! It was 6pm! Who complains about noise at 6pm.

And finally my dad playing with the ridiculous electronic drumsticks my poor 23-year-old cousin was given on Christmas. He returned them to Restoration Hardware the next day, but we got about as much fun out of them as I think was possible in this video.

My Christmas Shoes

2008-12-26T11:23:00.007-05:00

Christmas was a laugh a minute this year. My parents wanted to take a family picture and were both looking very festive so I sat myself down in the middle. The results follow:

Dad caught me looking bored once presents were getting opened.

And that was likely because I received two handbags from my two aunts. I'm not sure if they've ever met me, or know that I just turned 25, and not 8.

Skinned Muppet bag.

Disembodied Rabbit Ass bag.

The best present I received this year was, hands down, these hot new kicks Wendy got me since my 4-year-old Converse had holes all over them and the soles were falling off and the last time it rained it also rained inside those sneaks. The Christmas shoes are followed closely by the Bollywood dance workout video that my aunt got me. Now that I think I'm going to enjoy. As soon as I'm back home and can upload videos from my camera I'll post a video of my dad playing with some really ridiculous electronic noisemaking drum sticks my other aunt got my cousin. My cousin is 23.

24 and there's so much more.

2008-12-17T18:35:00.006-05:00

I just turned 25! But almost all of what appears below is from my 24th year of being a person, so the title stays.

I got rid of this chick's color and highlight roots and she was real happy about it.

Before from the front, nice frowny face as requested.

Before from the side.

After!

And then Wendy and I traveled a great distance up to Jenna's apartment in Harlem to meet Sprinkles Kittypants who took an instant liking to us an jumped into our laps over and over and made me want a kitten worse than I already did.

Then this next young lady came over and wanted a big change! I loved it! The funny thing was she said how she checked out the blog I did chronicling my hair history and pin-pointed my disastrously short haircut as the one she wanted. So I combined that with the long sideswept bangs I had in my fullet days, like in the picture of me with a dog. Go back and review it and you'll know what I'm talking about.

Before.

Whoa! After! She loved it.

Aaaaaand after.

This next one wasn't anything fancy, just a trim, but the blowdry was particularly good so here it is.

Obviously before.

After! I gave her some Mitbangs.

Not bad, eh?

Finally, a while back I went to the Jerz to visit my folks and on the way they asked if I wanted to swing by the BURIAL PLOT they'd just bought. For all three of us.

I'll mostly let this speak for itself. But the necessary info is that it's a giant cemetery that you pass driving from my parents' house to the mall and the neighboring area is a golf course. I'd received a voicemail from Mom the night before saying, excitedly, "We bought 3 plots, but no pressure if you end up not wanting yours, we can sell it just like real estate! Just figured we'd include you initially." Well, thanks. So here's Mom and Dad giving me a tour. I took a video because something inside me said that when the time comes to return there for the obvious reasons I'll still be able to find this funny.

Wasn't this blog supposed to be about hair?

2008-12-17T15:05:00.003-05:00

I'll get back to it soon. Before I do, though:

A. Marriage in the United States shall consist of a union between one man and one or more women. (Gen 29:17-28; II Sam 3:2-5)

B. Marriage shall not impede a man’s right to take concubines in
addition to his wife or wives. (II Sam 5:13; I Kings 11:3; II Chron 11:21)

C. A marriage shall be considered valid only if the wife is a
virgin. If the wife is not a virgin, she shall be executed. (Deut 22:13-21)

D. Marriage of a believer and a non-believer shall be forbidden.
(Gen 24:3; Num 25:1-9; Ezra 9:12; Neh 10:30)

E. Since marriage is for life, neither this Constitution nor the constitution of any State, nor any state or federal law, shall be construed to permit divorce. (Deut 22:19; Mark 10:9)

F. If a married man dies without children, his brother shall marry the widow. If he refuses to marry his brother’s widow or deliberately does not give her children, he shall pay a fine of one shoe and be otherwise punished in a manner to be determined by law. (Gen 38:6-10; Deut 25:5-10)

G. In lieu of marriage, if there are no acceptable men in your town, it is required that you get your dad drunk and have sex with him (even if he had previously offered you up as a sex toy to men young and old), tag-teaming with any sisters you may have. Of course, this rule applies only if you are female. (Gen 19:31-36)

Betch.

2008-12-16T07:52:00.002-05:00

Remiiiiiiix!

Remember the original?

"I don't know what his beef is"

2008-12-15T22:25:00.001-05:00

Still-President Bush, on shoe thrower Muntadar al-Zaidi:

An adventure!

2008-12-11T17:40:00.002-05:00

As a star beauty school pupil and teacher's pet, I was chosen today by one of my favorite teachers to leave school and run an errand. We never get to leave in the middle of the day and I was pretty excited, until I learned that the errand was to walk over to Party City on 14th to get one dozen blue helium balloons for tonight's graduation party for the most recent graduating class. I walked over there in the windy rain, argued with the sales woman over whether I'd have to wait hours because they were "behind on their balloon orders" despite the fact that directly behind her were two helium tanks standing quietly and just waiting to be employed. Finally got my way and some dude was unearthed to do the job, and off I went back to school, $5 umbrella in one hand getting blown inside out every few steps by the wind, and giant balloon bouquet in the other hand, getting whipped madly around, rendering me powerless to prevent other pedestrians from getting bopped. By the time I made it back to school I felt like the above expression about it. And yeah shut up I stopped outside the door to take a picture on my phone because I thought it would be funny and you know what I WAS RIGHT.

Beauty school! I'm almost done. It's wearing on me just a touch.

Birthday Tights

2008-12-10T19:02:00.004-05:00

There they are. And to the right is the garbage can under my desk at work. If it appears from this angle that I have cankles, it's because I DO have cankles! Woo!

Quarter Century Presents

2008-12-08T13:36:00.004-05:00

I will turn 25 this coming Saturday morning at 11:07am. In honor of my having stayed alive for another 12 months, my family had a little get-together at the grandparents' place where I was showered with gifts. Here they are:

Remember on Seinfeld when Elaine was working for the J. Peterman catalog writing absurd item descriptions for the clothing? Ok, well, I didn't know until a few months ago that J. Peterman was real, when my grandparents gave me the catalog to look at. For your reference, here's an example of one of the better snippets:

Do You Believe in Miracles?

A national survey shows that 73% of women believe in miracles; the finery you see here should convince the rest.

Wear it, and a window table becomes available at the Rainbow Room, a Marcello Mastroianni type invites you for a weekend in Cortina, and you get the part of Amanda in an upcoming revival of Private Lives.

Skeptics might try to explain this away by pointing out the fascinating glow of the velvet blouse, the rustle and sweep of the long silk skirt; but as Sir James Jeans observed: “The universe is not only stranger than we imagine, it is stranger than we can imagine.”

Prepare to become a believer.

Velvet Weskit Blouse (No. 1935). Classic weskit style in lustrous rayon/silk fabric, will make any male at a black-tie affair glad he put on his tuxedo. Dome-shaped self-covered buttons.

Women’s sizes: 4 through 16.

Color: Black.

Windowpane Silk Skirt (No. 3115). Acres of silk taffeta with a pattern from an 1860s original, intriguing cocktail-dress style — the hem dips from ankle-length in front to near-floor length in back. Sateen lining. Full sweep. Side gores. Elegant is an understatement.

Now, here's the entry for the sweater that I was given:

The U.S. Navy peacoat is a masterpiece; it is equal to black tie. It is one of five things in which a man looks his best. Wonderful too on women. Which is why we are issuing one that buttons right over left.

Seven exterior buttons. Two pockets. Center vent. 100 percent wool, thick, beautiful, and comforting. Made in that very dark, almost black, bottomless color which the Navy calls “Blue 3346.”

U.S. Navy Sweater.

Our U.S. Navy sweater is made by the same company that supplies the U.S. Navy. 100 percent Navy wool, mothproofed. Ribbed cuffs, “jersey body,” cover-stitched seams, low (2-inch) turtleneck. Rugged, warm, close-fitting. Worn with jeans under a shirt, it’s perfect.

Haha! Oh man. Just seeing the J. Peterman logo on the box made me crack up. Alright on to the next gift. My aunt and uncle gave me a lovely pair of intricately crocheted tights.

They're black and fancy and Fogal is super swanky shit. My 8-year-old cousin saw me open them and said, "Mom got you UNDERWEAR???"

Next I opened the gift bag my parents gave me. Mom's an artist and loves decorating things whimsically, like the bag itself on which she used funky stickers to spell out my first and middle names.

Yeah my middle name's Gaetana. Mega Italian name to go with my Mega Italian nose.

Inside I found two brightly wrapped parcels. I knew one would be a new ipod since my poor old one finally bit the dust. The new little baby is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

You can turn it sideways! And the screen shifts to a landscape view!

The second little wrapped goody was...a pomegranate. Mom's a nut. But I just ate that sucker and it was effing delicious.

It takes work to seed those suckers, but boy is it worth it.

And finally, inside my parents' birthday card was a gift certificate to Trader Joe's and a metrocard.

Mom decided to get it for $25 in honor of my age...which she admitted meant that it was a pretty small amount. Charming, Mom, haha jeez! Luckily at TJ's you can get a month's worth of groceries for $25.

And that was my early birthday.

It's Thursday and I'm nostalgic.

2008-12-04T18:11:00.003-05:00

Two nostalgia things. First, I was looking through all the emails in my gmail inbox, realizing that I have some from up to two years ago, and I came across one from my good friend and former Corporate America coworker, Jeff. We used to email each other constantly with ridiculous pictures we'd drawn with Microsoft Paint goofing on other weirdos in our office or, in this case, illustrating the imagined meaning of a Rolling Stones song lyric. When Jeff was just a wee small Jeff, he heard the song "She's a Rainbow" and had an hilariously perverse mental picture of what the lyric, "She comes in colors everywhere" meant:

When this popped onto my screen at the office I just about peed myself. Sometimes I miss working in a cubicle just for the inter-office emails. Feel the Microsoft Paint!

Nostalgia thing number two. Uh, I actually can't remember what my second thing was going to be. I totally had two things but my nostalgia brain shut down while I was writing about Mick Jagger getting rainbowed all over his face.

Maybe it's pretty accurate...

2008-12-03T20:42:00.002-05:00

Alright NOW compare this to Dad's Mii a couple entries below. Ha.

Gay marriage would save the economy.

2008-12-03T17:58:00.002-05:00

John C. Reilly and Jack Black say it's so!

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

Nintendo saves another Thanksgiving!

2008-11-28T09:16:00.005-05:00

That's the text I got back from Adam when I sent him pictures of my family in "Mii" form. That is, my mom bought herself a Wii, which meant that the three small children present at our little gathering disappeared for hours playing with the thing. When we went upstairs to fetch them we discovered they'd created 18 Miis, amongst whom were a Mii Caroline, Mii Gina, and Mii Lee.

When I sent this one to Adam he said that I looked like an Asian Cleopatra.

Haha! May as well be a photograph of my mother.

And my pop. Aside from the exuberantly gleeful expression it's pretty accurate. Good job kids! And thank you, Nintendo!

Everyone's a little bit racist.

2008-11-17T18:13:00.004-05:00

I haven't taken too many pictures lately, so I'm just going to give you this. When I'm on the train from Brooklyn I rarely get a seat right away, but pulling into Canal Street makes me a little racist, because I start scanning the car for Asians assuming that they'll all get up and I'll be able to sit down. And if the Asians I have my eye on don't leave I get angry with them.

Don't be offended, I know you all eyeball all the Jew-noses on the train around South Williamsburg. Also, when I googled to find out what other distinctly ethnic neighborhoods there were that I might not know about, several sites listed "Hipster" among the ethnicities. My favorite examples:

West Village: Gay
Whitestone, Queens: Old Folks
South Williamsburg: Hassidic Jews
North Williamsburg: Hipsters and Polish

It made me laugh to see the "gay," "old folks," "hipster" and "lesbian" ethnicities woven in with Jews, Polish and the like. Thanks internet.

How about a proposition on divorce?

2008-11-10T22:03:00.001-05:00

Usually Keith Olberman is a little too much even for me. But in this case he may as well have been reciting my thoughts verbatim:

President That One.

2008-11-05T18:09:00.005-05:00

At 11:02pm, immediately after Obama was declared victorious, I received a text message from my old high school buddy, Paulie, that read, "I remember you saying maybe 3 or 4 years ago that Obama would be the next prez. Props yo."

So, you know, just for the record, you can all thank me for this. And you're welcome.

Also, as we waited with baited breath for the 'Bammer to arrive and make his acceptance speech, I so soooooo hoped that he'd come out on stage wearing a track suit and a chinchilla coat and, like, a big ol' sparkly grill. And then it would've been a tear-away or something and he could go, "sike!" and it would've been a great joke.

No bagel no bagel no bagel!

2008-11-03T18:44:00.005-05:00

Aside from getting bangs, some other things have happened.

My roommate Matt had a birthday at a bar/club in our neighborhood I'd never been to. I examined the ceiling, Wendy mugged for the camera, Zachary rocked out.

Another Sunday, another few hours at Jeff's watching football. And watching Virgil retreat into his "hacienda." Jeff bought him a cat tree that was advertised as having two cat perches and a hacienda.

Somehow I got the hiccups real bad when Michelle and I were out at a bar and she MADE me suck on a lemon to get rid of them. This is the face for "I know this doesn't work but I'm humoring you," and of course it does not, in fact, work.

I cut Mom's hair again! She gave me a great bummer face for the before.

Another before; pretty bushy.

And the final before.

She loved it!

And then it was Halloween!

If we dressed up for school we didn't have to wear our usual all white uniforms, so duh I dressed up. For the sake of simplicity I reprized (for the 3rd? 4th time?) the white trash costume. To my left are Mommy Dearest, and one of the Josie and the Pussycats chicks.

A lot of the younger girls really, really made good on the "all girls wanna do is dress slutty for Halloween" stereotype.

Cheeto dust on my shirt.

On a very sunny Sunday, Wendy and I went to the Prospect Park zoo.

I pet a goat.

And then got stared down by another one.

Wendy taunted a cow.

And then tried to get all friendly, which didn't really work. The cow was still peeved from before.

And lastly, everybody's getting effing kittens.

This is Bagel, my friend Emily's new daughter. This picture only barely conveys how teeny she is, and when I went to meet her this weekend I had an aneurysm.

NOW GO TO SLEEP SO YOU CAN WAKE UP AT THE DAWN'S ASS CRACK AND VOTE FOR OBAMA.

Love,
Carotime

Real, live Mitbangs.

2008-10-30T17:09:00.004-04:00

So far I feel a little like I'm wearing a wig, and I possibly look even younger than I already did, but I am loving it. One step closer to the Chrissie Hynde goal. And also proof that Mitbangs are a thing of reality.

I haven't had bangs like this since I was a little kid, as you will now see below:

Enjoying pb&j on the old totally Cosby Brooklyn stoop! The beret is my mom's influence, I take no responsibility for her fashion choices. But there are the early Mitbangs, nicely offset by large plastic 80s kids' glasses.

I will, however, give Mom accolades until the end of time for this Halloween costume. She sacrificed her own pants and shirt and PAINTED them and the whole nine. No one knows it but my mom is an incredible artist. For my 4th birthday I had a bunch of preschool kids over to our apartment and my mom made a beanbag toss herself - she painted Cookie Monster on it and the hole was his open mouth, then she made the beanbags and decorated them to look like chocolate chip cookies. Word. Anyway, Mitbangs peeping out from under the buffoon hat.

More of my mom's genius: For reasons I never bothered to question (I was 3), I had the enormous master bedroom in our BK apartment. I'm talking huge. Mom helped me take a big box (get an idea of the scale from the fact that this is 3-year-old me STANDING in it) from some large appliance and decorate it to look like a house. It had painted flowerboxes and a door handle and everything, it was so sweet. That was probably the one thing I was devastated about leaving when we moved to Jersey.

Check out my road rage face and then look a little closer to my Mitbangs totally static clung to the top of the car.

Oh Mom and Dad, you're so clever! You made it look like I was a 2-year-old drinking beer! They were the first ever to execute that joke. No parents before mine had this idea. And there's the earliest documented incarnation of Mitbangs.

The great thing about being poor is

2008-10-28T23:23:00.004-04:00

you gotta have roommates. One of mine is my dear dear college friend Zach. Our friendship consists entirely - without exception - of spontaneous and uncannily synchronized singing of pop songs, and Nacho Libre impressions. When we're hanging out on the futon things like the following video happen.

Things to know:
-I was wearing a set of felt flower goggles that my friend Priya brought me from London as a gift two visits ago.
-I was knitting when Zachary brought the computer over, so I kept knitting.
-When we both jump and then crack up, it's because our roommate Matt arrived home to this scene and we were momentarily hilariously embarrassed.

If only for Ricky Gervais giving himself boobies.

2008-10-27T19:57:00.001-04:00

My own life of befores and afters.

2008-10-23T20:14:00.002-04:00

Since I'm always showing other folks, I thought it might be fair to chronicle the hair phases I've been through over the last 24 years. Every one of these haircuts/colors I've given myself, except for the two which I make note of.

Prom. Did it myself y'all.

Shiny little bob, freshman year. And totally loving that bottle of Arbor Mist.

20th birthday.

Looking sorority-worthy junior year in college, with highlights aplenty. For the record, I did not pledge a sorority.

A perm! And lazy eye?

Almost blonde. And drunk!

That flag is an Italian peace flag my folks brought back from Italy and hung from the porch. When I said, "You know people are going to think you mean gay pride, right?" they replied, "We enjoy the double entendre." Short, dyed black with some red in front.

OK it's a wig, but I've worn it for 3 Halloweens so it counts.

Black with neon pink in front and back after my first attempt at an at-home bleach job. Thank god it worked; now that I know what I know about bleach it's a miracle I didn't burn all my hairs off.

Back to black and short. And a lip ring.

When I took a chance on letting a professional cut my hair for the first time in years and wound up with about one inch of it left on my head. Looks sort of sleek and daring from the side, but from the front there was a giant Dumbo ear situation. This photo right here is precisely why I do extensive consultations with everyone who sits in my chair and there is an ongoing dialogue as I cut to make sure you don't walk out with something you're gonna cry about.

A pixie bangs/headband phase.

My best friend Michelle holding a turkey.

Rocked a real live mullet. And LOVED IT.

Finally, last December around my birthday I got a professional cut again, and it was awful AGAIN.

I've since been growing it out, with the final goal of this. Chrissie Hynde. The end.

vlad and boris from russia proclaim their love for sarah

2008-10-23T18:56:00.001-04:00

So come on all you hot fans!

2008-10-22T20:26:00.002-04:00

Another Sunday, another football viewing on Jeff's beautiful television. This time there was something else to watch, almost as entertaining. The small Virgil, Jeff's cat:

NFL Virgil, nesting.

NFL Virgil, floor lounging.

NFL Virgil, trying to escape out the window.

Hairs!

2008-10-22T19:24:00.003-04:00

Last night after school I did THREE haircuts at my place. Three! Eight hours of hair at school, then 3 more hours of hair at home. I was done at 9pm, collapsed into the futon and ate some Cuban takeout with my roommate Zach, re-watched some of last week's SNL (the sketch with Kristen Wiig saying, "Ohhhhhh myyyyyy gaaaaaaad..." and freaking out about a surprise) and went to bed. But it was a really fun evening and everybody's hair came out super. Of course, as always, I forgot to take before and after pictures, and one of the girls emailed me today with a shot she took of herself last night after leaving my place because she liked it so much! The back is the impressive part, cause it's a really beautiful layered bob, but the front looks good too and I gave her those bangs, so here it is:

Such a great time, especially because I didn't know her - she was a referral from a friend - and compounded with that, she'd had iffy experiences with hair stylists and was nervous to let a new person do her hair, much less a student, not in a professional setting! So I was happy that I could pull it out and give her a real stunner of a cut. Plus she tipped me in wine and two skin products from her company. The other one tipped me in large bottles of beer.

Keep it coming, kids! Come on over, it'll be fun, and cheap, and alcoholic if that's what you're in the mood for.

Here's the SNL video in case you missed it:

Dress your family in corduroy and shit with broken glass in it.

2008-10-21T23:07:00.002-04:00

In this weekend's New Yorker, my favorite "This American Life" alum, David Sedaris, aired his sentiment about undecided voters:

"I think of being on an airplane. The flight attendant comes down the aisle with her food cart and, eventually, parks it beside my seat. 'Can I interest you in the chicken?' she asks. 'Or would you prefer the platter of shit with bits of broken glass in it?' To be undecided in this election is to pause for a moment and then ask how the chicken is cooked."

The Traditional Definition of Marriage:

2008-10-20T15:43:00.002-04:00

The union of one unwilling teenage boy and one unwilling pregnant teenage girl. Amen.

Yes.

2008-10-20T13:12:00.001-04:00

See more Natalie Portman videos at Funny or Die

I caught you a delicious Bass.

2008-10-18T16:37:00.003-04:00

Tonight is my roommate Matt's birthday and I bought him some lovely (and usually quite expensive) Aveda products. I get a student discount. Zachary told me I should incorporate aluminum foil into my wrapping, so I did:

I was inspired as I went along to attach the two smaller items to the larger one. Remember Conjoined Twin Myslexia from South Park?

Haha! We had a good laugh over here.

2008-10-15T22:32:00.002-04:00

Just for reference, definitively:

Chipped beef proof.

2008-10-15T18:03:00.005-04:00

I really ate it y'all.

And liked it!

Wendy and I made a 711 run - there are definitely a handful of Redskins fans down there.

I was amused to see that at the coffee area there was this political advertisement - mostly a ploy to buy a larger cup of coffee since the smaller ones didn't come in McCain/Obama colors.

And then it appeared that there weren't any Obama cups! Only McCain! Alright so a minute later Wendy saw that there were indeed Obama cups available on the other side of the coffee thingy. But I would have hollered conspiracy if only the McCain coffees were up for grabs!

Gotta get the photos off Wendy's camera of me up in a tree. I didn't get very high up but I was skeptical about even managing to haul my ass up to the first branch, so once I got up there I called it a day. Wendy was generous and took a couple shots that made it look like I'd climbed higher. She on the other hand monkeyed her way pretty far up. I'll post those shots soon.

The weekend prior we were at Jeff's again for football. This is Jeff's cat Virgil and this is how he sleeps.

And now a before/after installment:

I have been scared of older lady hair since starting school. This woman was assigned to me and I had a pang of fear but she was nice and patient and I realized that doing highlights on older lady hair is no different than on younger lady hair. I don't know what it was that made me think it would be, but older women make me nervous I guess because I always expect them to be mean, or impatient, or demanding, or any combination of the three. I mean, if my Upper East Side grandmother came in and was assigned to me as a client she'd be terrifying. And that is how I plan to be when I'm a senior citizen. I'm gonna get my dang senior discounts on EVERYTHING and I'm going to be an asshole to the waitstaff and give handfulls of pennies to trick-or-treaters. So anyhoo here's this lovely woman before.

She'd been given a partial head of highlights 3 months prior and needed a retouch.

After! I gave her the older lady blowdry she wanted - those bangs weren't my idea - but you can see the little blonde accents I added around her temples. She wanted to be lighter around her face because she said it made her look younger, but she's got a face like my mom that's happy and youthful so she doesn't need it.

She tipped me $15 so she can have all the blonde highlights she damn well pleases.

Watch the debate tonight!

My dad tipped me off to this comment that was written in response to the Rolling Stone profile of McCain:

How Racism Works

What if John McCain were a former president of the Harvard Law Review?
What if Barack Obama finished fifth from the bottom of his graduating class?

What if McCain were still married to the first woman he said 'I do' to?
What if Obama were the candidate who left his first wife after she no longer measured up to his standards?

What if Michelle Obama were a wife who not only became addicted to pain killers, but acquired them illegally through her charitable organization?
What if Cindy McCain graduated from Harvard?

What if Obama were a member of the Keating-5*?
* The Keating Five were five United States Senators accused of corruption in 1989, igniting a major political scandal as part of the larger Savings and Loan crisis of the late 1980s and early 1990s.

What if McCain were a charismatic, eloquent speaker?

If these questions reflected reality, do you really believe the election numbers wou ld be as close as they are?

This is what racism does. It covers up, rationalizes and minimizes positive qualities in one candidate and emphasizes negative qualities in another when there is a color difference.

PS: What if Barack Obama had an unwed, pregnant teenage daughter....

You are The Boss... which team would you hire?

With America facing historic debt, 2 wars, stumbling health care, a weakened dollar, all-time high prison population, mortgage crises, bank foreclosures, etc:

Educational Background:
Obama:
Columbia University - B.A. Political Science with a Specialization in International Relations.
Harvard - Juris Doctor (J.D.) Magna CumLaude

Biden:
University of Delaware - B.A. in History and B.A. in Political Science.
Syracuse University College of Law - Juris Doctor (J.D.)

vs.

McCain:
United States Naval Academy - Class rank: 894 of 899

Palin:
Hawaii Pacific University - 1 semester
North Idaho College - 2 semesters - general study
University of Idaho - 2 semesters - journalism
Matanuska-Susitna

Well, shit on a shingle!

2008-10-13T18:59:00.003-04:00

I'm going to get that into circulation as a new exclamation.

In other words, I had creamed chipped beef for the first time this weekend. Shit on a shingle is the name for the dish that originated in the army when it was served in mess halls (so Wikipedia informed me), but as an actual southern comfort food people apparently are in love with it. I'd never even heard of it until a few months ago when Wendy told me it was a staple at the breakfast table growing up and she couldn't believe I'd never had it. Her description was...almost enticing: small pieces of salty, cured beef cooked into a rue-type sauce/gravy and then served up atop a couple pieces of white toast. Determined to uncover the mystery of this fabled breakfast I did some internet research and came up empty. Not one restaurant in the whole of New York City appeared to offer Wendy's delicacy! I was in disbelief and figured I was just doing a poor research job until finally I stumbled upon a New York Times blurb written by the food editor answering a request from a reader for the very same thing. He said, in almost as many words, "You can't find it in NYC, no way no how." Once the Times said the nay-no I gave up.

Pictures to come in a couple days hopefully - I was down there for the weekend meeting some of Wendy's fam and snapped several other fun shots. I climbed a tree for the first time in my life, people.

Love, Carotime

so a hockey mom walks into the arena...

2008-10-11T20:34:00.002-04:00

Cross-posted at Dailykos

this made my entire month

2008-10-10T00:24:00.001-04:00

Ira Glass for President!

2008-10-09T00:38:00.002-04:00

Remember This American Life? The NPR radio show that introduced the world to the original hipster, Ira Glass and wonderful authors like David Sedaris? Well, every so often when I'm cleaning my apartment on the weekends I'll go onto the website and listen to several full episodes in a row to catch up. They're engaging, humorous, touching, and informative.

Recently the show produced two episodes about the economic crisis and they are so comprehensive in explaining exactly, in simple terms, what happened and why. It's immensely helpful and I really hope that you all listen:

The Giant Pool of Money
Another Frightening Show About the Economy

Olbermann does Palin good

2008-10-08T07:18:00.001-04:00

Here's an actual working version:

I'm hoping I can make my neighbor from Wasilla sit through the whole thing! Not holding my breath though.

I hope I don't catch West Nile.

2008-10-07T16:16:00.003-04:00

Has anyone else been getting eaten alive by mosquitoes these last few weeks? What's going on, they're angry that it's getting cold and they're dying and trying to stay alive by attacking me every other day? I mean, I'm delicious so it's no surprise, but come on. They keep going for the face and neck and it's making me look like I'm diseased. Two weeks ago one got my EYELID which was swollen shut for a couple days, and now one got my neck so I've got this goiter-looking thing happening. It's fun, because when I have clients I'm scratching myself like I have fleas.

Now I'm off to crane my neck and balance two mirrors in my bathroom to try to give myself a trim like always.

And I'm back! It came out good. You'll see just how good if you come over for a haircut.

Love,
Caroline

P.S. - Emily (my girl over at one of my favorite blogs, Gynomite!) tipped me off to this today and it is brilliant: http://gawker.com/5060018/google-will-curb-your-drunk-e+mails

But, she did so much better than expected!

2008-10-02T23:17:00.003-04:00

A few succinct issues about the debate, and then tomorrow back to hair, I promise:

Palin’s claim that McCain two years ago warned about an economic crisis was totally exaggerated. In an interview in November 2007, McCain admitted he was clueless about the economic disaster: “So, I’d like to tell you that I did anticipate it, but I have to give you straight talk, I did not.”

Palin said, “Darn right we we need tax relief.” As I've said, McCain’s health care plan flat out increases taxes on the middle class. Palin also said she and her husband have been in the middle class their whole lives, but the AP reported yesterday that if you “add up the couple’s 2007 income and the estimated value of their property and investments and they appear to be worth at least $1.2 million."

Palin said global warming is, in part, caused by human activity. In part! What's the other part, the 4 horsemen of the effing apocalypse? Meanwhile in an interview with Newsmax, Palin said, “I’m not one though who would attribute it to being man-made.” This time around she was only slightly more coherent than her last shot:

She also mentioned “clean, green natural gas.” Natural gas, like all fossil fuels, stomps a huge footprint into the environment. Natural gas produces 18.6% of greenhouse gas emissions in the US.

Palin said Obama voted against funding for the troops, but FactCheck.org says “that’s hardly the whole story.” In April 2007, Democrats added a “non-binding call to withdraw” to a troop funding measure. “McCain (who was absent for the vote) urged the president to veto that funding measure, because of the withdrawal language. President Bush did veto it, and McCain applauded Bush’s veto. Based on those facts, it would be literally true to say that 'McCain urged a veto of funding for our troops.'"

Palin said education “needs to be ramped up in terms of funding.” But last week McCain proposed a spending freeze in all discretionary federal spending! That allows inflation to cut funding for Head Start by over $968 million, cut $1.7 billion from community learning centers, and cut $3.7 billion from career and technical education grants. So...guess no "ramping" huh?

And finally, despite repeatedly criticizing Biden for looking backward tonight, Palin closed the night with a quote from President Reagan.

A shining bouffant beacon of tolerance.

2008-10-02T22:11:00.005-04:00

Watching the debate right now; Palin just accused Biden of referring to off-shore drilling as "raping" the region. I wish he'd changed the subject like Palin has been (she's more or less constantly said, "I know you just asked me a question but I'm going to talk about whatever I want to right now") and said, "Oh you want to talk rape? Ok Sarah, how about you charge the Earth for it's own rape exam like you do the rape victims of Wasilla, eh?"

Also, as I was typing they moved on to gay marriage/civil unions and Palin pointedly referred to her feelings toward adults' "lifestyle choices" as tolerance numerous times. Pardon me in advance: I don't want to be tolerated, you effing bigot.

You betcha!

2008-10-02T20:08:00.006-04:00

It's really fall today, isn't it? I wore a scarf for the first time this morning, so it's official, and I'm a very happy girl. I do love scarf season.

I won't talk about politics, don't give me that look, all I'll say is the VP debate is tonight at 9pm and I hope you'll all watch. Here's Letterman's latest Top Ten:

"Top Ten Things Overheard at Sarah Palin's Debate Camp"
#10: “Let’s practice your bewildered silence”
#9: “Can you try saying ‘Yes’ instead of ‘You betcha’?”
#8: "Hey, I can see Mexico from here!”
#7: “Maybe we’ll get lucky and there won’t be any questions about Iraq, taxes, or health care”
#6: “We’re screwed!”
#5: “Can I just use that lipstick-pit bull thing again?”
#4: “We have to wrap it up for the day — McCain eats dinner at 4:30″
#3: “Can we get Congress to bail us out of this debate?”
#2: “John Edwards wants to know if you’d like some private tutoring in his van”
#1: “Any way we can just get Tina Fey to do it?”

And also, I'm sorry but this is really funny.

Things you can give me for my services.

2008-10-01T19:38:00.005-04:00

In my first post I mentioned that in addition to straight payment I'd be open to interesting trades and, as my lovely Pillows for the People friend suggested I'd like to offer a sample list:
- six pack of Bud Light
- a delicious sandwich
- a pie that you've baked yourself, or other baked good so long as there are no bananas in it
- a crafty item you've made, if you're crafty
- an item of clothing or shoes you don't want anymore that I might like (clothes size 4 on top and 6 on bottom, shoes size 10. I have clown feet.)
- a mix cd of music that I don't know

Now for some befores and afters. This first girl was a random client, not someone I knew. Came in for a full head of highlights and then freaked out that the highlights were (spoiler alert!) significantly lighter than the rest of her hair! For reference, people, when you ask for highlights that means the pieces of hair the stylist slices through with that fancy metal comb are getting brushed with bleach. Bleach takes pigment out of hair. And that is a highlight. I calmed her down and convinced her that the overriding color was still red and she left happy. And frankly, look how much effing hair she has! Doing a full head of highlights means over an hour of weaving 1/8" sections of hair at a time and I did a killer job in really good time.

She at least humored me and did a frowny face for her before shot.

Before.

Still before.

After! See, it's still totally red. She was about to go to the beach and asked that I not fully blowdry her hair since it would be a waste, which was a slight bummer because it makes it harder to see the highlights than if I'd blown it out straight, but you get the idea. And that happy smile was hard-won.

After.

Aaaaaand after. Love that faux beach hair.

My old buddy came over to my place for a nice short 'do for his corporate job and on the way to it I gave him a mullet.

Post-mullet.

What happens when there aren't any clients at school for too long.

We each have these mannequin heads to practice things on and they are all named Deborah. My Debbie is to John's left, with the Kiss inspired facial art.

Picture Day!

2008-09-30T21:48:00.008-04:00

A couple weeks ago it was picture day at school. Picture day. And I mean picture day like it was back in the days of laser-light backgrounds.

Leave it to beauty school to pull these shenanigans. A photography duo came in with a super classy presentation board:

"Glamorous!!!" was on this board 4 times. Color me convinced!

In anticipation of our turns, my classmates John, Laura and I practiced poses.

Mine was the flared-nostril creep smile.

John liked my nostril contortions.

The Laura lazy eye.

All the while, this sort of thing was happening:

Holy Moses. Laura did a bang up job showing that chick up:

And John followed suit. Leather fedora wooo!

And then it was my turn. I tried to look extra presidential.

Later on that week I had a bunch of my favorite people over for something of a hair party. It ended up being weird, because while I was alternately dyeing and cutting, everybody drank and watched whatever bullshitty television was on, but some good hair was done at least and seriously that's what matters more than fun, people, come on.

Gave Michelle pink tips. So hot right now.

El, Allie and Wendy each express - in order of appearance - bewilderment, horror, indifference. Ha, thanks guys. Hair!

My weekly fix.

2008-09-29T22:49:00.002-04:00

I don't usually watch Oprah, but I caught it today and was sucked in because she was spotlighting families in Ohio who were all hooked on heroin. They explain in gruesome and heartbreaking detail that after very little time heroin addicts don't use the drug to get high anymore, they just need it to keep functioning at all.

That's why I have my DVR set to record The Hills.

palintosis

2008-09-29T20:29:00.004-04:00

A certain acquaintance of myself and Caroline's from high school who was 1 question short of a 1600 on his SAT that I was spying on Facebook actually thinks Palin is a good choice, mainly cause it 'pisses Democrats off'.

I mean, seriously? I've always said I've lived in bizarro world but the fact that Palin could become our president by some fluke is downright Alice-in-Wonderland. That people could even contemplate supporting her... well, I've named the condition, and it speaks for itself.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Yah like I totally expect her to balance the budget and sharpen my skates, dood.

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens. Oh wait, Palin hates kittens. Just the rain and roses part, then.

2008-09-29T18:26:00.006-04:00

I had a really lovely weekend, and I hope that you did too. On Sunday, before heading to my buddy Jeff's apartment in BK to watch football on his beautiful television because Wendy was there already watching the REDSKINS WIN (woo!), I visited the fam on the Upper East Side for one of my little cousins' birthdays. He turned 5 and as we stood around the birthday cake and candles were being lit, he said, "Whoever in this room went to the war is my favorite person," and then looked at his mom, my aunt, and clarified definitively, "and he's your father." Our grandfather was in Africa and Italy in WWII and a prominent reporter for the Stars and Stripes newspaper for the duration, which led to his nearly lifelong career at the New York Times upon his return as well as his war memoir which was published recently. He's 88 now and 8 years ago he had a stroke and has been confined to a wheelchair since, and he's really just not the same Pop=pop that I knew growing up. I was a lucky little person. The point is that I almost keeled over from the sweetness of that 5-year-old's sentiment. And also the kid has really great hair.

I didn't read or watch the news all weekend so today when I arrived at work and checked out the CNN website as I usually do, I was greeted by the news that Republicans failed to deliver enough votes to pass the bailout that McCain scrambled to take credit for earlier today (on the GOP side, 133 voted against the bill; 65 for it). My favorite part is that the GOP leaders are faulting Pelosi for making a "partisan" speech right before the vote. Here's Barney Frank's (D-MA) response:
Here’s the story. There’s a terrible crisis affecting the American economy. We have come together on a bill to alleviate the crisis. And because somebody hurt their feelings, they decide to punish the country. I mean, I would not have imputed that degree of pettiness and hypersensitivity. We also — as the leader will tell you, who’s been working with them — don’t believe they had the votes, and I believe they’re covering up the embarrassment of not having the votes. But think about this. Somebody hurt my feelings, so I will punish the country. That’s hardly plausible. And there are 12 Republican members who were ready to stand up for the economic interest of America, but not if anybody insulted them. I’ll make an offer. "Give me those 12 people’s names and I will go talk uncharacteristically nicely to them and tell them what wonderful people they are and maybe they’ll now think about the country.

To further today's barage of uplifting news, an important truth that McCain has finally sort of admitted is the reality of his health plan in an interview with Stephanopoulos. But here's what he doesn't explain, in brief:
1. ELIMINATING TAX EXEMPTION INCREASES PLAN COSTS FOR THE NEEDIEST. Because it means he's equalizing the tax treatment of employer and individual plans, it effectively baits healthy workers into buying cheaper and worse insurance on the individual market instead of through their companies, and increases costs for sicker folks.

2. TAX CREDITS DON'T COVER HEALTH COSTS. McCain's "credits" decrease proportionally to growing premiums, because McCain gauges his initial $5,000 credit on inflation, not premiums and since premiums grow faster than inflation, the effect is a large tax increase on the middle class. Some 5k "gift," eh?

Here's how that works (and I ganked this very helpful explanation from the Wonk Room: http://wonkroom.thinkprogress.org/2008/09/28/tax-increase-mccain/). For a couple earning 40k and paying $13,800 for insurance, “McCain’s new tax credit would cut their taxes by $50 in 2009, but because the credit quickly falls behind rising premiums that are the basis of the current tax break, the family would pay $1,169 more in taxes in 2013…[and] would pay $2,809 more in taxes by 2018."

I have to put something uplifting in here. So here's my #1 favorite scene from the entire Curb Your Enthusiasm series:

He's circumsupersized.

2008-09-25T21:44:00.002-04:00

Turn aroooooooound...

2008-09-25T20:24:00.004-04:00

This is too good to be true. Nothing to do with hair or politics, but I love karaoke and one of my favorite websites, nerve.com, posted today SEX ADVICE FROM KARAOKE SINGERS! Oh sweet fancy Moses: Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never comin' 'round.

And also:

COURIC: Explain to me why [Alaska's proximity to Russia] enhances your foreign policy credentials.

PALIN: Well, it certainly does because our– our next door neighbors are foreign countries. They're in the state that I am the executive of. And there in Russia–

It's another Daily Double!

2008-09-25T18:44:00.004-04:00

I gave my presentation on the Circulatory System in class today, brought my laptop to school in order to show the Schoolhouse Rock video as planned, but my speakers weren't nearly loud enough and I had to scrap the idea. Luckily, I'd completed an entire game of Circulatory System Jeopardy on construction paper - after spending quite a long time designing it to the tune of 24 answers/questions in 6 categories I felt that it might be a trite idea and too time-consuming - and the class got totally into it!

I didn't even have prizes, or sugary snacks, but everybody slapped their desks like buzzers and frantically answered questions about hemoglobin and the superior vena cava and in the end my teacher told me to save it so that 6 weeks from now when the next class is presenting I can come back and preside over the game again. There's a reason I was voted class president of beauty school, people.

At the top of my agenda for the next student council meeting: there are never paper towels in the bathroom and all of the first aid kits are empty! When I am learning how to point-cut I repeatedly cut my knuckles with my shears and what the hell am I supposed to do, bleed in my clients' hair? Come on!

Newbie!

2008-09-25T17:21:00.002-04:00

I'd like to introduce one of my oldest, and most favorite friends, Joe F - who will hitherto be referred to only as "Danger" - as a periodical guest blogger. He's a put-upon soul, and prone to conspiracy theories, but a real sharp cookie and a real card and always good for a funny article or video. And when he does spout conspiracies he presents then with unfettered exuberance, which I can always appreciate.

I have a deep fondness for this fellow and am confident that he'll add a jaunty perspective when he graces the page.

-Carotime

Translated into plain English:

2008-09-24T22:11:00.003-04:00

Gramma Palin knows two things: that John McCain is a maverick, and that John McCain is a maverick.

Just watch this, she's like a fish flopping on the deck of a boat, it's painful:

Pardon my malice, but I can't help hoping the affair scandal does to her what it did to John Edwards.

How can I tie this to hair? This is supposed to primarily be a hair blog after all! OK, well, Palin's hair is much talked about and admired and sought-after, but she has highlights in her bangs, which is iffy cause it can look a little stripey. Hers look ok, but I feel like if you're going to put color in your bangs it's either gotta be really loud and purposeful, or not much at all. Like what I did to my sort-of-boss Emily!

Thanks to Emily for letting me be experimental, and go to her really fantastic blog, Gynomite!

The Olden Timey Days

2008-09-24T20:10:00.002-04:00

I took a nap the other day, during which I dreamt that I was hanging out with Dee Snider at his house. Like we were buddies and I was bummed about something and he made me feel better about it. What does that mean?

Tomorrow's a new day with no mistakes in it! That's what my mom always used to say. I really like that saying. It's from the beloved olde timey book series, Ann of Green Gables. Anyhoo, I'm turning over a new leaf starting tomorrow and on that leaf I'm a person who doesn't care about anyone else in my class. New Leaf Caroline does not care if her classmates can't pronounce sodium hydrochloride, or if they don't know that the color wheel ain't just a river in Egypt. New Leaf Caroline is just the quietly, unassumingly perfect class president star beauty school pupil. Eh? Eh? We'll see if I hold out, considering every day last week on my walk to school I already told myself that that would be the day I was finally going to keep my big fat mouth shut.

I really am the class president. Heyooooooo!

P.S. - Flashback, just for good measure, to this April:

Q: "What about grants for sex education in the United States? Should they include instructions about using contraceptives? Or should it be Bush’s policy, which is just abstinence?"

Mr. McCain: (Long pause) "Ahhh. I think I support the president’s policy."

Q: "So no contraception, no counseling on contraception. Just abstinence. Do you think contraceptives help stop the spread of HIV?"

Mr. McCain: (Long pause) "You’ve stumped me."

Q: "I mean, I think you’d probably agree it probably does help stop it?"

Mr. McCain: (Laughs) "Are we on the Straight Talk express? I’m not informed enough on it. Let me find out. You know, I’m sure I’ve taken a position on it on the past. I have to find out what my position was. Brian, would you find out what my position is on contraception – I’m sure I’m opposed to government spending on it, I’m sure I support the president’s policies on it."

I'd like to note that I attended school in New Jersey, which provides spectacularly comprehensive sex ed beginning in 5th grade and continuing every single year til high school graduation. ALWAYS included on the list of disease- and pregnancy-prevention options was abstinence. It was distinctly described as the only 100% reliable option. Each one was laid out with a thorough definition, success rate, and list of potential problems. Every single one, pros and cons, stats and facts. At no point did comprehensive sex ed translate into encouragement to fuck around, as conservatives assert. McCain and Palin propose that Creationism be taught alongside evolution in an effort to expose kids to every "school of thought" (sic) that's out there, yet with regard to sex they prefer the Vast Ignorance Education method. Praying for kids' abstinence isn't my idea of a reliable method. Wonder what little Bristol thinks?

Come on, do the circulation!

2008-09-24T18:09:00.003-04:00

I'm getting really good at highlights. Just want to put that out there.

It's rather difficult, who knew! I never used put too much thought into things like this; I remember back to the days of walking into a salon, blissfully ignorant to the techniques, knowledge and dexterity the stylist would employ to deliver me my hair whims. I'll just say there's a reason you don't pay much less than a c-note for highlights and I'll spare you the reasons because I'm the one studying this baloney, not you, and you can stay in the ignorant bliss. Enjoy. And come to school and get highlights from me cause they'll be way cheap and I'll make you look like you paid half your rent for them.

Bizarrely enough, part of the curriculum is Anatomy. But, like, the 8th grade version where each student has to take on one body system (mine's the Circulatory!) and give a presentation on it. So tomorrow I will be attending class with my laptop in order to show the Schoolhouse Rock vignette (there are untold numbers of Schoolhouse Rock cartoons on youtube, it's such a joy) entitled, "Do the Circulation!" I hadn't remembered Schoolhouse Rock being so comprehensive, but seriously y'all this song covers literally every point covered in our text book (granted, it's a beauty school text book). Check it out:

P.S. - You've all heard that McCain is slimy snaking his way out of the debate on Friday so that he can return to D.C. and focus on the "historic" crisis facing the U.S. economy, I hope. What did he say last week? Oh that's right, the "fundamentals of the economy are sound." Immediately after, in fruitless effort to backpedal, he spouted anti-Wall Street rhetoric attacking the "greed" and "recklessness" of the executives who netted, in many cases, eight-figure incomes while gambling away the mortgages of 40k-a-year earners. Sorry broseph, that's just not persuasive coming from a multimillionaire Republican. Now his plan he's bailing on the debate to go argue basically puts the burden on taxpayers to buy up billions in banks' bad loans. Meanwhile, he's been giving economic speeches denouncing Obama's plan to raise taxes on the middle class - a plan that does not exist. But that hasn't stopped McCain from saying it repeatedly. For the record, Obama wishes to raise taxes on the exorbitantly wealthy, and cut taxes for the middle and lower classes. But, as we all know, facts are powerless these days. Evolution? No no, sorry, that's just one opinion that's out there.
Poor, poor Shmobama. My man tried to infuse some reality (not that that ever works against the rhetoric of Republicans) saying, "He's suddenly a hard-charging populist. And that's all well and good, but I sure wish he was talking the same way over a year ago, when I introduced a bill that would've helped stop the multimillion-dollar bonus packages that CEOs grab on their way out the door." GOBAMA.

Aw Mom, come on.

2008-09-22T23:17:00.002-04:00

Governor Palin's acceptance speech at the RNC was delivered well. And her hair was, as my mother noted in a particularly annoying text during the speech, flawless. Though in my opinion it was too youthful a style for her age, which is a gaffe that tends to make women look slutty, but also I'm biased due to hating her evangelical, satan-spawning ovaries.

On Saturday at school a middle-aged woman came in for an up-do and was given to the student whose station is diagonally facing mine so that I can overhear everything her clients talk about. The woman sat down and said, "So I want an up-do today, just something to try out for kicks...you know Sarah Palin?" I almost plotzed. Later on once the 'do had been executed (beautifully, I might add) the woman clarified that she didn't agree with Palin's politics - just liked her hair. I still don't forgive her.

Introducing: Colors!

2008-09-22T22:19:00.002-04:00

I began cosmetology school (beauty school! seriously!) on June 3 and am done in February - it's a fast program. We took our first clients in the second week and have been taking clients non-stop since, so I've done a great deal of REAL LIVE HUMAN hair cutting and coloring for months, both in and out of school. If you check out the photos on myspace you'll see my proof.

But friends, that's not the important stuff. I mean sure it would be great to meet more people who need their hairs done, but really I intend to chronicle the narnias of beauty school. A few weeks ago when we first got into learning color I was excited, it was just super. What wasn't super was being taught the color wheel for what seemed like the 8th time in my life, though it became apparent that it wasn't the case for everybody. I was unaware of this! The teacher utters the words "color wheel" and I flash back to elementary school when we were taught the primary colors, and the colors of the rainbow when you shine white light through a prism (doesn't everybody know ROYGBV?). I mean come on, it's basic Isaac Newton shit that you learn right before you start growing bean plants in the classroom window and then lay on a big sheet of paper and trace everybody's body outline and hang it on the wall. I can't remember why we did that, but it's fun to outline things, and also I'm over it.

Anyhoo, the point is this: am I a jerkface for thinking you have to be at least mildly deranged not to know that the primary colors are red, yellow, and blue and that when you mix, say, red and yellow you get...spoiler alert!...ORANGE?? I'm here to report that half my class did not understand this and needed the teacher to explain it at length. A larger majority had also never heard the word "tertiary." It made my head feel all explodey.

Welcome!

2008-09-22T19:46:00.003-04:00

Hello world, this is my blog now! In it I plan mostly to write about my endeavors to become a big fancy hair stylist - it's EXACTLY like being on "Shear Genius," like for reals y'all - and also probably spew my political lunacy once in a while, plug a couple of my friends who are doing interesting and funny things, and show pictures of hair I've done.

For now allow me to link you over to my myspace page where I have a whole handful of befores and afters in my photos. Add me as a friend! Tell folks! The idea is that I operate out of my apartment and also by going to clients' apartments assuming they have hard wood or some other floor material that's easily swept clean of hair. I have wood floors and live in the East Village. I've ordered 250 unofficial business cards, so the important things are all in place.

I accept payment ($20 for a woman's cut, $15 for a man's, and for color you pay for the color itself and that's all, usually less than $10) or interesting trades. That's open to your interpretation, but I retain the right to laugh at you if it's dumb.