Quarter Century Presents

I will turn 25 this coming Saturday morning at 11:07am. In honor of my having stayed alive for another 12 months, my family had a little get-together at the grandparents' place where I was showered with gifts. Here they are:

Remember on Seinfeld when Elaine was working for the J. Peterman catalog writing absurd item descriptions for the clothing? Ok, well, I didn't know until a few months ago that J. Peterman was real, when my grandparents gave me the catalog to look at. For your reference, here's an example of one of the better snippets:

Do You Believe in Miracles?

A national survey shows that 73% of women believe in miracles; the finery you see here should convince the rest.

Wear it, and a window table becomes available at the Rainbow Room, a Marcello Mastroianni type invites you for a weekend in Cortina, and you get the part of Amanda in an upcoming revival of Private Lives.

Skeptics might try to explain this away by pointing out the fascinating glow of the velvet blouse, the rustle and sweep of the long silk skirt; but as Sir James Jeans observed: “The universe is not only stranger than we imagine, it is stranger than we can imagine.”

Prepare to become a believer.

Velvet Weskit Blouse (No. 1935). Classic weskit style in lustrous rayon/silk fabric, will make any male at a black-tie affair glad he put on his tuxedo. Dome-shaped self-covered buttons.

Women’s sizes: 4 through 16.

Color: Black.

Windowpane Silk Skirt (No. 3115). Acres of silk taffeta with a pattern from an 1860s original, intriguing cocktail-dress style — the hem dips from ankle-length in front to near-floor length in back. Sateen lining. Full sweep. Side gores. Elegant is an understatement.

Now, here's the entry for the sweater that I was given:

The U.S. Navy peacoat is a masterpiece; it is equal to black tie. It is one of five things in which a man looks his best. Wonderful too on women. Which is why we are issuing one that buttons right over left.

Seven exterior buttons. Two pockets. Center vent. 100 percent wool, thick, beautiful, and comforting. Made in that very dark, almost black, bottomless color which the Navy calls “Blue 3346.”

U.S. Navy Sweater.

Our U.S. Navy sweater is made by the same company that supplies the U.S. Navy. 100 percent Navy wool, mothproofed. Ribbed cuffs, “jersey body,” cover-stitched seams, low (2-inch) turtleneck. Rugged, warm, close-fitting. Worn with jeans under a shirt, it’s perfect.

Haha! Oh man. Just seeing the J. Peterman logo on the box made me crack up. Alright on to the next gift. My aunt and uncle gave me a lovely pair of intricately crocheted tights.

They're black and fancy and Fogal is super swanky shit. My 8-year-old cousin saw me open them and said, "Mom got you UNDERWEAR???"

Next I opened the gift bag my parents gave me. Mom's an artist and loves decorating things whimsically, like the bag itself on which she used funky stickers to spell out my first and middle names.


Yeah my middle name's Gaetana. Mega Italian name to go with my Mega Italian nose.

Inside I found two brightly wrapped parcels. I knew one would be a new ipod since my poor old one finally bit the dust. The new little baby is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.


You can turn it sideways! And the screen shifts to a landscape view!

The second little wrapped goody was...a pomegranate. Mom's a nut. But I just ate that sucker and it was effing delicious.


It takes work to seed those suckers, but boy is it worth it.

And finally, inside my parents' birthday card was a gift certificate to Trader Joe's and a metrocard.

Mom decided to get it for $25 in honor of my age...which she admitted meant that it was a pretty small amount. Charming, Mom, haha jeez! Luckily at TJ's you can get a month's worth of groceries for $25.

And that was my early birthday.