I'm a hair stylist, and also brilliant genius. I'd like to cut and/or color your hair on the cheap, drink beers with you, maybe eat some cupcakes. I like to talk about your hair, how I'm a brilliant genius, what I've learned recently from a gossip blog, the news and how I feel about it based on my philosophical liberal arts degree, and also how much Sarah Palin's pageant up-do infuriates me.
A couple weeks ago it was picture day at school. Picture day. And I mean picture day like it was back in the days of laser-light backgrounds.
Leave it to beauty school to pull these shenanigans. A photography duo came in with a super classy presentation board: "Glamorous!!!" was on this board 4 times. Color me convinced!
In anticipation of our turns, my classmates John, Laura and I practiced poses. Mine was the flared-nostril creep smile.
John liked my nostril contortions.
The Laura lazy eye.
All the while, this sort of thing was happening:
Holy Moses. Laura did a bang up job showing that chick up:
And John followed suit. Leather fedora wooo!
And then it was my turn. I tried to look extra presidential.
Later on that week I had a bunch of my favorite people over for something of a hair party. It ended up being weird, because while I was alternately dyeing and cutting, everybody drank and watched whatever bullshitty television was on, but some good hair was done at least and seriously that's what matters more than fun, people, come on. Gave Michelle pink tips. So hot right now.
El, Allie and Wendy each express - in order of appearance - bewilderment, horror, indifference. Ha, thanks guys. Hair!
I don't usually watch Oprah, but I caught it today and was sucked in because she was spotlighting families in Ohio who were all hooked on heroin. They explain in gruesome and heartbreaking detail that after very little time heroin addicts don't use the drug to get high anymore, they just need it to keep functioning at all.
A certain acquaintance of myself and Caroline's from high school who was 1 question short of a 1600 on his SAT that I was spying on Facebook actually thinks Palin is a good choice, mainly cause it 'pisses Democrats off'.
I mean, seriously? I've always said I've lived in bizarro world but the fact that Palin could become our president by some fluke is downright Alice-in-Wonderland. That people could even contemplate supporting her... well, I've named the condition, and it speaks for itself.
I had a really lovely weekend, and I hope that you did too. On Sunday, before heading to my buddy Jeff's apartment in BK to watch football on his beautiful television because Wendy was there already watching the REDSKINS WIN (woo!), I visited the fam on the Upper East Side for one of my little cousins' birthdays. He turned 5 and as we stood around the birthday cake and candles were being lit, he said, "Whoever in this room went to the war is my favorite person," and then looked at his mom, my aunt, and clarified definitively, "and he's your father." Our grandfather was in Africa and Italy in WWII and a prominent reporter for the Stars and Stripes newspaper for the duration, which led to his nearly lifelong career at the New York Times upon his return as well as his war memoir which was published recently. He's 88 now and 8 years ago he had a stroke and has been confined to a wheelchair since, and he's really just not the same Pop=pop that I knew growing up. I was a lucky little person. The point is that I almost keeled over from the sweetness of that 5-year-old's sentiment. And also the kid has really great hair.
I didn't read or watch the news all weekend so today when I arrived at work and checked out the CNN website as I usually do, I was greeted by the news that Republicans failed to deliver enough votes to pass the bailout that McCain scrambled to take credit for earlier today (on the GOP side, 133 voted against the bill; 65 for it). My favorite part is that the GOP leaders are faulting Pelosi for making a "partisan" speech right before the vote. Here's Barney Frank's (D-MA) response: Here’s the story. There’s a terrible crisis affecting the American economy. We have come together on a bill to alleviate the crisis. And because somebody hurt their feelings, they decide to punish the country. I mean, I would not have imputed that degree of pettiness and hypersensitivity. We also — as the leader will tell you, who’s been working with them — don’t believe they had the votes, and I believe they’re covering up the embarrassment of not having the votes. But think about this. Somebody hurt my feelings, so I will punish the country. That’s hardly plausible. And there are 12 Republican members who were ready to stand up for the economic interest of America, but not if anybody insulted them. I’ll make an offer. "Give me those 12 people’s names and I will go talk uncharacteristically nicely to them and tell them what wonderful people they are and maybe they’ll now think about the country.
To further today's barage of uplifting news, an important truth that McCain has finally sort of admitted is the reality of his health plan in an interview with Stephanopoulos. But here's what he doesn't explain, in brief: 1. ELIMINATING TAX EXEMPTION INCREASES PLAN COSTS FOR THE NEEDIEST. Because it means he's equalizing the tax treatment of employer and individual plans, it effectively baits healthy workers into buying cheaper and worse insurance on the individual market instead of through their companies, and increases costs for sicker folks.
2. TAX CREDITS DON'T COVER HEALTH COSTS. McCain's "credits" decrease proportionally to growing premiums, because McCain gauges his initial $5,000 credit on inflation, not premiums and since premiums grow faster than inflation, the effect is a large tax increase on the middle class. Some 5k "gift," eh?
Here's how that works (and I ganked this very helpful explanation from the Wonk Room: http://wonkroom.thinkprogress.org/2008/09/28/tax-increase-mccain/). For a couple earning 40k and paying $13,800 for insurance, “McCain’s new tax credit would cut their taxes by $50 in 2009, but because the credit quickly falls behind rising premiums that are the basis of the current tax break, the family would pay $1,169 more in taxes in 2013…[and] would pay $2,809 more in taxes by 2018."
I have to put something uplifting in here. So here's my #1 favorite scene from the entire Curb Your Enthusiasm series:
COURIC: Explain to me why [Alaska's proximity to Russia] enhances your foreign policy credentials.
PALIN: Well, it certainly does because our– our next door neighbors are foreign countries. They're in the state that I am the executive of. And there in Russia–
I gave my presentation on the Circulatory System in class today, brought my laptop to school in order to show the Schoolhouse Rock video as planned, but my speakers weren't nearly loud enough and I had to scrap the idea. Luckily, I'd completed an entire game of Circulatory System Jeopardy on construction paper - after spending quite a long time designing it to the tune of 24 answers/questions in 6 categories I felt that it might be a trite idea and too time-consuming - and the class got totally into it!
I didn't even have prizes, or sugary snacks, but everybody slapped their desks like buzzers and frantically answered questions about hemoglobin and the superior vena cava and in the end my teacher told me to save it so that 6 weeks from now when the next class is presenting I can come back and preside over the game again. There's a reason I was voted class president of beauty school, people.
At the top of my agenda for the next student council meeting: there are never paper towels in the bathroom and all of the first aid kits are empty! When I am learning how to point-cut I repeatedly cut my knuckles with my shears and what the hell am I supposed to do, bleed in my clients' hair? Come on!
I'd like to introduce one of my oldest, and most favorite friends, Joe F - who will hitherto be referred to only as "Danger" - as a periodical guest blogger. He's a put-upon soul, and prone to conspiracy theories, but a real sharp cookie and a real card and always good for a funny article or video. And when he does spout conspiracies he presents then with unfettered exuberance, which I can always appreciate.
I have a deep fondness for this fellow and am confident that he'll add a jaunty perspective when he graces the page.
Gramma Palin knows two things: that John McCain is a maverick, and that John McCain is a maverick.
Just watch this, she's like a fish flopping on the deck of a boat, it's painful:
Pardon my malice, but I can't help hoping the affair scandal does to her what it did to John Edwards.
How can I tie this to hair? This is supposed to primarily be a hair blog after all! OK, well, Palin's hair is much talked about and admired and sought-after, but she has highlights in her bangs, which is iffy cause it can look a little stripey. Hers look ok, but I feel like if you're going to put color in your bangs it's either gotta be really loud and purposeful, or not much at all. Like what I did to my sort-of-boss Emily!
Thanks to Emily for letting me be experimental, and go to her really fantastic blog, Gynomite!
I took a nap the other day, during which I dreamt that I was hanging out with Dee Snider at his house. Like we were buddies and I was bummed about something and he made me feel better about it. What does that mean?
Tomorrow's a new day with no mistakes in it! That's what my mom always used to say. I really like that saying. It's from the beloved olde timey book series, Ann of Green Gables. Anyhoo, I'm turning over a new leaf starting tomorrow and on that leaf I'm a person who doesn't care about anyone else in my class. New Leaf Caroline does not care if her classmates can't pronounce sodium hydrochloride, or if they don't know that the color wheel ain't just a river in Egypt. New Leaf Caroline is just the quietly, unassumingly perfect class president star beauty school pupil. Eh? Eh? We'll see if I hold out, considering every day last week on my walk to school I already told myself that that would be the day I was finally going to keep my big fat mouth shut.
I really am the class president. Heyooooooo!
P.S. - Flashback, just for good measure, to this April:
Q: "What about grants for sex education in the United States? Should they include instructions about using contraceptives? Or should it be Bush’s policy, which is just abstinence?"
Mr. McCain: (Long pause) "Ahhh. I think I support the president’s policy."
Q: "So no contraception, no counseling on contraception. Just abstinence. Do you think contraceptives help stop the spread of HIV?"
Mr. McCain: (Long pause) "You’ve stumped me."
Q: "I mean, I think you’d probably agree it probably does help stop it?"
Mr. McCain: (Laughs) "Are we on the Straight Talk express? I’m not informed enough on it. Let me find out. You know, I’m sure I’ve taken a position on it on the past. I have to find out what my position was. Brian, would you find out what my position is on contraception – I’m sure I’m opposed to government spending on it, I’m sure I support the president’s policies on it."
I'd like to note that I attended school in New Jersey, which provides spectacularly comprehensive sex ed beginning in 5th grade and continuing every single year til high school graduation. ALWAYS included on the list of disease- and pregnancy-prevention options was abstinence. It was distinctly described as the only 100% reliable option. Each one was laid out with a thorough definition, success rate, and list of potential problems. Every single one, pros and cons, stats and facts. At no point did comprehensive sex ed translate into encouragement to fuck around, as conservatives assert. McCain and Palin propose that Creationism be taught alongside evolution in an effort to expose kids to every "school of thought" (sic) that's out there, yet with regard to sex they prefer the Vast Ignorance Education method. Praying for kids' abstinence isn't my idea of a reliable method. Wonder what little Bristol thinks?
I'm getting really good at highlights. Just want to put that out there.
It's rather difficult, who knew! I never used put too much thought into things like this; I remember back to the days of walking into a salon, blissfully ignorant to the techniques, knowledge and dexterity the stylist would employ to deliver me my hair whims. I'll just say there's a reason you don't pay much less than a c-note for highlights and I'll spare you the reasons because I'm the one studying this baloney, not you, and you can stay in the ignorant bliss. Enjoy. And come to school and get highlights from me cause they'll be way cheap and I'll make you look like you paid half your rent for them.
Bizarrely enough, part of the curriculum is Anatomy. But, like, the 8th grade version where each student has to take on one body system (mine's the Circulatory!) and give a presentation on it. So tomorrow I will be attending class with my laptop in order to show the Schoolhouse Rock vignette (there are untold numbers of Schoolhouse Rock cartoons on youtube, it's such a joy) entitled, "Do the Circulation!" I hadn't remembered Schoolhouse Rock being so comprehensive, but seriously y'all this song covers literally every point covered in our text book (granted, it's a beauty school text book). Check it out:
P.S. - You've all heard that McCain is slimy snaking his way out of the debate on Friday so that he can return to D.C. and focus on the "historic" crisis facing the U.S. economy, I hope. What did he say last week? Oh that's right, the "fundamentals of the economy are sound." Immediately after, in fruitless effort to backpedal, he spouted anti-Wall Street rhetoric attacking the "greed" and "recklessness" of the executives who netted, in many cases, eight-figure incomes while gambling away the mortgages of 40k-a-year earners. Sorry broseph, that's just not persuasive coming from a multimillionaire Republican. Now his plan he's bailing on the debate to go argue basically puts the burden on taxpayers to buy up billions in banks' bad loans. Meanwhile, he's been giving economic speeches denouncing Obama's plan to raise taxes on the middle class - a plan that does not exist. But that hasn't stopped McCain from saying it repeatedly. For the record, Obama wishes to raise taxes on the exorbitantly wealthy, and cut taxes for the middle and lower classes. But, as we all know, facts are powerless these days. Evolution? No no, sorry, that's just one opinion that's out there. Poor, poor Shmobama. My man tried to infuse some reality (not that that ever works against the rhetoric of Republicans) saying, "He's suddenly a hard-charging populist. And that's all well and good, but I sure wish he was talking the same way over a year ago, when I introduced a bill that would've helped stop the multimillion-dollar bonus packages that CEOs grab on their way out the door." GOBAMA.
Governor Palin's acceptance speech at the RNC was delivered well. And her hair was, as my mother noted in a particularly annoying text during the speech, flawless. Though in my opinion it was too youthful a style for her age, which is a gaffe that tends to make women look slutty, but also I'm biased due to hating her evangelical, satan-spawning ovaries.
On Saturday at school a middle-aged woman came in for an up-do and was given to the student whose station is diagonally facing mine so that I can overhear everything her clients talk about. The woman sat down and said, "So I want an up-do today, just something to try out for kicks...you know Sarah Palin?" I almost plotzed. Later on once the 'do had been executed (beautifully, I might add) the woman clarified that she didn't agree with Palin's politics - just liked her hair. I still don't forgive her.
I began cosmetology school (beauty school! seriously!) on June 3 and am done in February - it's a fast program. We took our first clients in the second week and have been taking clients non-stop since, so I've done a great deal of REAL LIVE HUMAN hair cutting and coloring for months, both in and out of school. If you check out the photos on myspace you'll see my proof.
But friends, that's not the important stuff. I mean sure it would be great to meet more people who need their hairs done, but really I intend to chronicle the narnias of beauty school. A few weeks ago when we first got into learning color I was excited, it was just super. What wasn't super was being taught the color wheel for what seemed like the 8th time in my life, though it became apparent that it wasn't the case for everybody. I was unaware of this! The teacher utters the words "color wheel" and I flash back to elementary school when we were taught the primary colors, and the colors of the rainbow when you shine white light through a prism (doesn't everybody know ROYGBV?). I mean come on, it's basic Isaac Newton shit that you learn right before you start growing bean plants in the classroom window and then lay on a big sheet of paper and trace everybody's body outline and hang it on the wall. I can't remember why we did that, but it's fun to outline things, and also I'm over it.
Anyhoo, the point is this: am I a jerkface for thinking you have to be at least mildly deranged not to know that the primary colors are red, yellow, and blue and that when you mix, say, red and yellow you get...spoiler alert!...ORANGE?? I'm here to report that half my class did not understand this and needed the teacher to explain it at length. A larger majority had also never heard the word "tertiary." It made my head feel all explodey.
Hello world, this is my blog now! In it I plan mostly to write about my endeavors to become a big fancy hair stylist - it's EXACTLY like being on "Shear Genius," like for reals y'all - and also probably spew my political lunacy once in a while, plug a couple of my friends who are doing interesting and funny things, and show pictures of hair I've done.
For now allow me to link you over to my myspace page where I have a whole handful of befores and afters in my photos. Add me as a friend! Tell folks! The idea is that I operate out of my apartment and also by going to clients' apartments assuming they have hard wood or some other floor material that's easily swept clean of hair. I have wood floors and live in the East Village. I've ordered 250 unofficial business cards, so the important things are all in place.
I accept payment ($20 for a woman's cut, $15 for a man's, and for color you pay for the color itself and that's all, usually less than $10) or interesting trades. That's open to your interpretation, but I retain the right to laugh at you if it's dumb.
